A simple way to find the courage to ask for what you want
I don’t know where I came up with the particular saying I’m about to share, but I do find it very useful, especially when I’m trying to do things where I’m challenging or pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
As I’ve mentioned, I’ve read an awful lot of self help books and listened to a lot of podcasts over the years, so I’m not absolutely sure whether I took in something which helped me to come up with this, or if it’s adapted from something a family member used to say to me (I suspect that my Dad with his many sayings might be at the back of it, to tell the truth!)
I’ve worked in a male-dominated environment for most of my career. While things are more balanced than they were, programming is still mostly full of men. And while I’ve not had many bad experiences through being a woman in that field, there have still been some moments when I’ve had to defend my place in the room.
From the male colleague at a company who made pay transparent, who I caught sending an email arguing that I shouldn’t be paid more than him (I don’t now remember if there was something to do with gender in there, it was almost 25 years ago), to the lecturer in the IT department at a college who told me ‘you only have this job because you’re a pretty face’, to the class of sixth form boys I was tasked with teaching programming who openly questioned my credentials, I’ve faced sexism in my working life. Those boys shut the hell up when I told them I’d programmed professionally for Compaq, Nokia and Hitachi, let me tell you!
All of this combines, then, to often make women in tech-related and other STEM fields feel like they’re constantly being judged and found lacking, and impostor syndrome is rife amongst us.
There’ve been studies carried out to suggest that men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women will apply only if they meet 100% of them. Now, whether that’s absolutely true or not, the data is very clear that women are still generally paid less than men.
Gender pay gaps are absolutely a real thing, something which is patently obvious during International Women’s Day, especially if you look at this marvellous account (which seems to have stopped working in 2023, sadly) Gender Pay Gap Bot
Now, whether this is due to discrimination, or women being less willing to ask for more money, to achieve recognition for their hard work, is an argument which is still ongoing, but I believe that learning how to ask for what you want in this life is a really important skill.
However, if asking for something like more money, a promotion or even a discount on something you’re looking to buy makes you cringe so hard that your toes curl up, then I have a simple tactic which might help.
For a start, sit down with a pen and a piece of paper, and list out all the supporting evidence to back up your assertion that you’re worth this. For work-related money issues, that could be listing out all of the good feedback you’ve received, the performance reviews that have gone well, your length of service and/or the extra time and effort you’ve put in. If you’re looking for a discount on something, find companies that offer something similar and identify if they’re more fairly priced or not, so you have a position to bargain from.
This analysis, the act of gathering data and looking honestly at the reality of the situation can often be enough to make you feel just that little bit braver about opening up the conversation.
See, if you know full well that what you’re asking is not unreasonable AND you have the evidence to prove it, that’s a real solid foundation for you to start from.
Next, think about the extra value you can provide to your company. Do you have some ideas for a new initiative or a different way of doing things? If that can be linked to the company earning more money or making savings, then so much the better.
Finally, I think about who I’m talking to. Unless you’re working for a start up or a family-owned company, it’s very unlikely that the person you’re tapping up (as we say in the north of England) is actually the person who’s paying your wages. If you’re after a discount, it’s unlikely to come out of the sales person’s wages. Just acknowledging that the extra money you’re looking for is not coming out of their pocket really eases the tension, at least it does for me.
Finally, the phrase I use when I’m about to ask for something which may be considered on the cheeky side is:
Don’t ask, don’t get!!
You can whisper it to yourself before you go into the meeting to give you a little extra bravery, or I’ve actually said it out loud (many times!) to people, along the lines of ‘don’t ask, don’t get, that’s my motto!’ which has sometimes felt like it helps to takes the sting out of the tail as I clearly ask for what I want.
Does this mean I always get what I want? Of course not. But if you start from your ideal starting point, then it’s a way of opening a negotiation, and between you and the person you’re talking to, you can often bargain your way to an agreement you’re both happy with.
So, what do you think? Is this a tactic you might try out in the future, when asking for something that makes you uncomfortable? Or do you have your own tactics to share?
I’d love to hear them!