They’re Not Thinking About You (and That’s a Good Thing)
What if I told you the one thing that may be holding you back isn’t fear of failure — it’s the false belief that everyone’s watching you?
And that single belief? It might be quietly running your life.
Human beings have a tendency to look on the dark side of things. It’s a human trait called negativity bias, and rest assured, it’s normal.
We have it because it directly benefitted our ancestors. Generation after generation of human beings, all the way back to prehistoric times, tended to survive long enough to pass their genes on to the next generation if they weren’t eternal optimists, constantly looking on the bright side of things.
Why? Because life back then really was dangerous, and if you assumed that death was waiting for you at every turn, then you tended to be more successful. And of course, as animals, success in its most basic form means living long enough to pass your genes on to the next generation. In order to do so, you need to eat and get shelter and above all else, avoid becoming an animal’s next meal.
So, yeah. We have a tendency to assume the worst, one which the 21st Century mainstream media has fully capitalised on to sell ads and to get eyeballs on shows & websites, but trust me when I say that generation after generation of selective breeding has made us this way.
Don’t get me wrong, mainstream media isn’t alone in feeding into this negativity bias.
Social media is a double-edged sword, and for all it helps us to connect with people right around the globe, it also allows us to read comments and opinions from messed up people whose online vitriol can truly sting.
I remember reading a wonderful comic (possibly a book) by the wonderful Matthew Inman, AKA The Oatmeal a while ago, which was all to do with his creative struggles, and how one single solitary negative comment in an absolute sea of positivity and love can easily be the only thing he can subsequently think about and which can keep him awake at night, feeling like a total failure.
Word.
The thing is, believing that other people are constantly thinking about you, judging you and observing your behaviour can be a severely life-limiting tendency.
It can hold us back from so many things, whether it’s speaking up in meetings, applying for a new job or a promotion, attending a new club, starting a new hobby or even going on dates.
If we’re not careful, we can find ourselves just holed up in our homes, like Miss Havisham, waiting as time inexorably passes, until the day when the Grim Reaper finally knocks on our door and it’s time for us to leave.
Which sounds awful, right?
You know what makes this even worse? Not only is is life-limiting and potentially tragic, t’s also a total and utter fucking lie.
No one else is thinking about you.
And I’m going to prove it to you.
Answer me this question: what do you spend most of your time thinking about?
Be honest. Now, I’m not a betting person, but I’d lay some serious money down on the answer being ‘what other people are thinking about me’, a good proportion of the time.
Follow this logic. If that’s true for you, then why should you think anyone else is any different?
Don’t get me wrong, I know we’re all unique in our own ways, with different personalities, backgrounds and neurodiversities to contend with. But at the core of our beings, some fundamental truths do hold.
We’re all (in the nicest possible sense) totally obsessed with ourselves, at the end of the day.
95% (ish, I’m extrapolating from my own experience) of the time, other people are thinking about what they’ve got going on in their lives, in their relationships, with their health, or wondering what other people are thinking of them.
Once you really accept this as the truth, then it’s enormously freeing. If you’re no more than a passing thought going through other peoples’ minds—a cloud blowing by in a stiff breeze, if you will—then why worry what they think of you at all?
Indeed.
So, get out there and do your thing. Dance like no one else is watching (‘cos they probably aren’t) and put your creative work out there despite the fact that you know some people will criticise it (which often says more about what’s going on in their lives and how they feel about themselves than it does about the stuff they’re commenting on in the first place), apply for that damn job, ask for the raise, go on the date!
As Mary Oliver so eloquently put it:
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Indeed, indeed!
So go on. Speak up in the meeting. Publish the post. Say yes to the thing that scares you a little. Because the truth is, everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves to scrutinise your every move.
You don’t need to wait until you feel ready, worthy, or perfect — you just need to remember: no one is thinking about you nearly as much as you are. And that’s your permission slip to live boldly.
Need help unlearning the stories that hold you back?
Come hang out on my Substack or drop me a message — When I’m not writing these articles, I coach smart, self-aware women to help them to rewrite the beliefs that keep them small…