If you’ve read many of the articles I’ve published on here so far, then you’ll know that I love my little mental phrases, and I use them to help me to keep myself on track, particularly in difficult situations.
One I’ve used a lot over the last year, especially since I went through a hard break up and started living on my own again, is ‘what CAN I do?’.
This is something I use when I’m struggling with my motivation. During this article I’m going to explain how it helps me to still get things done, even if they’re not the thing I originally planned on doing.
Let’s talk a little bit about willpower, though, before we get into the nuts and bolts of the tactic.
Willpower is a slippery customer. We only have a certain amount of it, every day, and it’s all too easy to accidentally use it up during the day, leaving you with no reserves left for the evening, which if you’re like many people — including me — is when things can sometimes go off the rails, if you’re not careful.
This is why things’re often easier in the morning. You might find that you’re able to eat well in the morning, stay reasonably well on track at lunchtime, but then at the end of the day, when you stagger in through the door, exhausted after a hard day at work, you fold and end up ordering a takeaway. Or you eat too much or reach for the alcohol, in an attempt to soothe your frayed emotions.
The same goes for other non food-related things you want to do with your day. I find these are usually the things that are negotiable — spending time working on a side project or some kind of creative endeavour, perhaps — and they’re the things that end up being pushed towards the end of the day, when you often let them slip, because you’ve used up all of your motivation on the things you had to do, the stuff that someone would notice if you didn’t do them.
Things like going to work, and being professional, speaking politely to people who you might actually wish to tell to go to hell. Being there for your children, making sure they eat well, and ensuring that all of their other needs are attended to.
Is it any wonder, then, that by the end of the day, there’s no gas left in the tank for you to use to persuade yourself to eat a salad, rather than ordering in a pizza?
People who have chronic illnesses and neurodivergence such as autism, sometimes refer to motivation as ‘spoons’. The illustrates that each of us start the day out with a certain number of spoons, which is our self control and motivation. You can read more about Spoon Theory here.
If you’re already battling with issues with your physical or mental health, then the number of spoons you’re starting with may well be different on different days, and it’s certainly not going to be the same as someone who’s in peak physical condition or who’s more neurotypical.
This theory is useful for all of us, though. Some days, you just run out of spoons before you run out of hours in the day, and then something’s got to give.
This is where self-compassion and the way you speak to yourself in your head becomes all-important. At this point in time, berating and criticising yourself isn’t going to help. You’ve used up your spoons, your finite resource of motivation and self-control is all gone for today. Finito. Used up.
You’re only going to cause yourself pain if you now start to tell yourself that you’re a failure or a loser. Especially because you’re absolutely not, you’re just a totally normal human being.
So, what’s the alternative?
This is where my handy little phrase comes in.
Let me explain.
I’m a consistent exerciser, although I don’t work out in order to look any different.
I’ve long-since given up on trying to conform to society’s ideals of what other people think I should look like, physically.
Rather, I use exercise in order to change my mood. If I need to be sociable and I know I’m going to need to be chirpy and upbeat, then I’ll do a workout beforehand, in the morning, and I’ll make sure to include some cardio which challenges me. Something like an intervals run or a climb ride on my exercise bike. If I want to spend the day in a more reflective mood, I’ll do some yoga or pilates.
I try to take a day off every week, but even with this in mind, there are definitely days when I really do not feel like working out. Perhaps I’ve been out late the night before, or I’m fighting off some kind of bug. Whatever the reason, I listen to my mind when it tells me that it doesn’t want to work out.
I check whether it’s my mood, or maybe something hormonal which is putting me off. If it’s either of those things, then the chances are that sticking with my original plan is going to do me the most good, and if I can, then I go for it.
However, if I’m tired or feeling under the weather, I ask myself; ‘what CAN I do?’
Some exercise, even if the session is less intense or shorter than I’d planned, is always beneficial. I’ve been a regular exerciser now for long enough to know that, deep in my heart of hearts.
But rather than pushing myself or being mean if I’m genuinely not feeling it, I ask myself that question. If you like, I negotiate with myself.
Take today, for example (this is why I’ve sat down to write this piece today).
Last night I went out for a few hours to a friend’s 50th birthday party. I drove for an hour and a half to get there, because the weather was absolutely awful, with 50mph gusts of wind and standing water on the motorway. Things had improved a little by the time I came back home, but it still took me well over an hour to get back.
By the time I got home, I was tired, but I needed some time to unwind from the social effort and driving anxiety the bad weather had caused before bed. Which meant that I went to bed later than usual, but (as I’m getting older and don’t need as much sleep these days) I still woke up today at 6am.
As a consequence, and for all the right reasons, I’ve been low in energy today. I took a nap, in the afternoon, and fully intended to run a 10K afterwards. But when I woke up after my snooze, I realised that I really was not feeling it, not at all.
I realised that I was also due a rest day, but I still felt like I needed more of a mood boost than my usual options on those days — a short yoga session — would provide. So I acknowledged that I couldn’t do plan A, accepted that fact and then asked myself my question.
The answer that popped into my mind was that I could do an hour-long power walk on my treadmill. I found a suitable one on my Peloton app, a really motivational one by Kirsten Ferguson to do with setting good intentions, so I got changed, pulled my trainers on and got it done.
Did I get as much exercise as I’d planned to? No. Did I burn as many calories? Nope. But did I feel a mood boost from the 4.5 km I walked, as I absorbed the thought-provoking messages shared by the instructor? Yep, I sure did. I count this as a win, not a loss.
You can use this idea for other moments when your motivation is low and you’re about to dive into a tailspin of self-recrimination as well.
For example, maybe you’d intended to cook yourself a meal tonight, and you’re later home than you’d intended to be. You’re exhausted, and you’re staring into your fridge listlessly, your stomach growling and your fingers just itching to pick up your phone so you can open a food delivery app and order yourself a pizza.
Okay, so you can’t cook tonight. That much is clear. But what CAN you do?
Perhaps you can order something in, but choose to get something a little healthier than a pizza.
Every little counts, after all. And when you’ve eaten, later on, don’t bemoan the fact that you didn’t cook, as you’d planned. You’re human, be kind to yourself and celebrate your win, no matter how small you might feel it is.
You can also use this technique for creative projects. Perhaps you’d intended to spend an hour every evening working on something you dearly want to do. But the day job, and maybe your kids’ needs or your romantic relationship is getting in the way. Maybe some days you do manage to spend the time you’d intended on it. But some days you just might not have the spoons you need to do what you’d planned.
But what CAN you do?
Maybe you can just ask yourself to spend five minutes working on it. Often, when you start, you find that it’s easier to keep going than you’d thought it might be. You might lose yourself in flow, absorbed in the task, and look up to see that an hour has passed, as you’d planned. And even if you do only manage five minutes, then that’s five minutes of work closer to the end of the project, whatever it is, whether it’s creating a painting or writing a book or learning enough a language so you can use it on holiday.
The way to put this in place is to catch yourself at the moment when you hear that voice of negativity in your head, when it whines at you ‘but I just can’t…’ take a breath, and say to yourself, ‘okay, that’s fine, my dear, but what CAN you do?’
In the past, I’ve gone so far as to write ‘WCID?’ with a sharpie on the back of my hand, or if you want more permanent reminder, you might pick up a bracelet from Etsy or a similar store with those initials on it, or if you’re crafty, you might hand make one yourself. Then when your motivation wavers, you can look at the reminder, and think again.
Okay, that’s it for today, but I’d love to hear about your experiences if you give this method a try.
I’d also be fascinated to hear about other ways you motivate yourself when your willpower’s low!